I’m human, I tell myself, with my head hanging after leaving a message on someone’s phone – in response to a question which shouldn’t have had to be asked, by an annoying person.
I like some people better than others, and other people not at all.
But it is seriously good for me to be reminded that good-hearted, though annoying, people share the Earth with the rest of us (they probably find me horrid), and they are NOTHING like bad people.
I can’t fully control myself – but I can keep it to my thoughts, instead of my words and my actions.
I can even try harder, and, when I have the energy, give the annoying people (at least the ones likely to stick around) a lot more slack, and see if I can’t find something to make it possible to enjoy their company, since I’m not going to have any choice about the matter.
I can keep to my grumpy and misogynistic self when I’m low on fool-tolerance, and stay home when I can’t control myself.
And surround myself with like-minded friends.
But I’m not going to say that it is easy. Just that it is my Christian duty, and I take that seriously, if possible.
I know I get a pass on many things because I’ve been ill so long no one expects much of me.
But I expect it of myself.
I fear Alzheimer’s – and other dementias – greatly because there is a phase during them in which people lose their inhibitions, and say what they think. The phase passes, but I have until that hits me to root out some of these attitudes, or my children are going to be going around and apologizing to people “because, you know, Mother is losing her mind – she doesn’t really think of you that way.” And the people, mollified, will accept the formal apologies of my well-intentioned offspring (I do hope I brought them up right), and attribute it to senility.
Or possibly, those people will not be around. I hope not. I am not very good at this, and time is passing. I am running out of time for self-improvement.
It is already difficult to keep my mouth shut. I blame CFS for the lack of energy, and the loss of the ability to exert effort after the energy is used up. My brain doesn’t work. Really.
Meanwhile, guys, cut me some slack? I’m trying.