Sometimes this gets so tiring, the effort to hold it all together; being constantly sick and thinking it’ll never end, knowing it’ll never end, accepting it’ll never end. I often look outside at the world and marvel at all the people going about their own business, living their lives, and thinking that used to be me, often taking many things for granted. Now that world seems so far away from me, so very long ago, like I’m just sitting in a movie theatre watching a movie of life going on around me; the movie neither inspires me nor frightens me, it just is.
Even looking for inspiration takes effort, effort I’m sorely lacking, and I have to be so very careful on what effort I do. I admire those who are doing “stuff” with their lives, moving on, living life, even if it’s complaining and being self-centered; they are doing, I am not. I cannot begin to convey just how this sickness weighs on me, and I know I don’t wish it on anyone, even the worst of souls.
My faith is strong, my soul is strong, my mind is now weak, my body weaker. My true desires of reading and learning are slowly being eroded; my IQ was high, my creativity was higher, my quick-wittedness was fast; now I find myself lost, difficultly focusing on anything for very long, even my eyes are weak and often see double, yet another joy of this sickness. But I’m sure all those who are dealing with the same thing understand all too well, and those who aren’t find it very hard to imagine and often suggest things I “should” do that may help.
I am not a victim of sickness, I know this sickness well, and have spent the last 13 years studying and researching it; Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Chronic Lyme Disease. All I can say somebody flipped and switch and my life changed overnight. I don’t take anything for granted now, I appreciate a sunny day, a bird chirping, laughter of children, rain, wind. I look forward to sleep where I can dream, where I am not who I am now, I can be and do anything, and I remember most of my dreams; I look forward to dreaming.
My rant for the day
Bless you all