Guest post: Nita Dozer Thatcher On The Subject of Husbands

A dear friend from a closed FaceBook group wrote the following, and I had to share it, with her permission, because it is hilarious and she definitely deserves wider distribution!

Nita Nita Dozer Thatcher

It applies regardless of the reason your spouse might need to take care of you, long- or short-term.

You have been warned.

Also, I love men and spouses in general. This is not about the species. Nor is it meant to be pejorative!

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On The Subject of Husbands – Nita Dozer Thatcher

To those of you who have one, there are some things you should know if your husband ever decides he needs to take care of you. The things they do may be unrecognizable to you as being efficacious to your well-being.

Here are just a few examples of what you may encounter:

1. All clothing is clothing and can, of course, be washed together. Doesn’t matter what color it is, what fabric content is present: if it’s clothing, it’s meant to be dumped into the washer together. “There, all done! That wasn’t so hard after all, now was it?”

At this point praise should be heaped on the smiling husband and a silent prayer given for the poor heap of clothing now being forced into your bureau drawer in a wadded mess. It is what it is, and one should focus on what is important. Clothes are not that important in the grand scheme of life.

2. A vacuum is loud, high powered, and masculine. It can serve as a phallic symbol. Promote it as such! I can assure you from experience that if you do, it will be run frequently and with much vigor and that you will have the cleanest floors in the neighborhood!

At this point, groggily lift your head from your bed where you have been trying to get some much needed sleep, smile devotedly with your hands over your ears, and thank him profusely for taking time out from his busy schedule to run the vacuum.

3. If it fits, it gets washed in the dishwasher. It doesn’t matter if it’s the paint can he used to mix oil for the lawnmower or the gold rimmed crystal that Aunt Alice gave you for your 25th Wedding Anniversary! If it fits, it gets washed in the dishwasher… together. It’s a “man” thing. Deal with it! At least the dishes, even the ones chipped by the paint can, are clean.

At this point, simply go to Amazon and buy a new one of whatever got chipped and get on with your life as a person getting the care and nurture you need.

4. If it CAN be grilled on the grill, it WILL be grilled on the grill. Now this should surprise no one, but I will admit to being a bit taken aback when presented for the first time with grilled leftover mashed potatoes.

At this point it is likely wise to simply become accustomed to the taste of charcoal and learn to live with it. Sigh.

5. Dust is healthy. It toughens you up! Wouldn’t want to live in a totally dirt-free environment: it likely weakens the immune system. OR put another way, dusting is NOT masculine! No way around it, waving a feather duster about is NOT masculine. Therefore, it will only very rarely be done and only when your husband is trying to get in touch with his feminine side.

At this point take all the knick knacks, picture frames, candles, etc. off the flat surfaces and put them in cupboards or boxes. They are never going to be dusted so make things easy for yourself and put away every little thing that can attract dust. It is more masculine to dust flat woody things. Fru-fru thingies haven’t a chance in hell of getting dusted. Trust me on this one!

6. Immediately invest in an industrial size cotton rag mop and accompanying industrial size bucket on wheels with the huge roller things that are operated by the foot that wring out the mop. It is the ONLY way your husband will be coaxed into mopping your 5 foot X 9 foot bathroom! Sissy things like Swiffers and Microfiber Mop Sticks will never be attractive to a husband.

At this point you might also want to throw away your sissy dust mops: they will never be used. If it’s a hard surface, it WILL be mopped the industrial way!

7. Sell your crock pot. A crock pot is NOT a man’s tool. Instead think about things that can be made in a high-powered toaster oven with lots of knobs and different heat settings….1500 WATTS.

OR electric knives! “Take a look at this sucker, Babe, this thing’ll cut through metal!.”

OR even a loud industrial blender that will pulverize things. Now we’re talking Man Food Prep!

At this point you might as well get rid of your jell-o molds and your quiche pan. They will only collect dust and never get dusted.

8. If you take a shower or bath before bed, your bed linens only need washed about once every six months. They just won’t get dirty if your body is clean when you sleep on them. Man Logic Course 101.

At this point you are too sick to care!

9. Plan not to need anything or (God forbid) have a health or bathroom emergency while there is anything to watch sports-wise on the tube. We are getting into Sacred Rituals here and they are sacrosanct and you WILL be ignored! Most likely your yell for help will not even be heard.

At this point, pray for a quick cure! It is your only hope!

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Please put any additions to Nita’s list in the comments. Come on – I know you want to! Anonymously if necessary.

***

Thanks, Nita!

PS Any remaining typos are my fault.

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9 thoughts on “Guest post: Nita Dozer Thatcher On The Subject of Husbands

  1. Julia

    And prepare to be told to rest while at the same time answering every question about how to do something in the kitchen or with the kids!

    Like

    Reply

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