Nothing stays resolved long enough to write


My apologies for being lost – missing in non-action.

Every time I start settling into a topic something happens.

Often it makes what I was going to write pointless.

The pandemic is a rollercoaster

Over 250,000 dead – and we’re pretending it’s not happening, led from the top?

Over 11,000,000 cases – and that’s only ones that are caught and tallied?

We’re heading into the winter flu season – conditions will be ripe for passing on ALL kinds of viruses and germs – so the numbers that are already horrifying me are going to get much, much worse.

And people (!?!) are still planning to get together for Thanksgiving in the USA after the reports from the Canadian Thanksgiving which showed surges from people getting together and spending time in interior spaces without masks.

Do we really have to repeat or exceed the 50,000,000 worldwide deaths from the 1918 flu?

It’s bad enough that we’re repeating the behavior from 1918.

Oh, and they’re starting to talk of triage in hospitals, and letting the weak and old and disabled and ill die first again. People like me.

Election results are a rollercoaster

I don’t even want to go there.

I avoid even the reputable news sources closer to neutral and accurate reporting because they are telling us everything, because we need to be able to find out, but I can’t take it any more.

It took me forever to figure out the ‘Opinion’ pieces on The Washington Post are only that, someone’s opinion.

They aren’t news or truth or even remotely accurate just because other part of the newpaper are supposed to be unbiased reporting.

Their headlines sit there and jangle me.

Every previous (well, in my memory – since about 1969 when I moved to the States) ex-president or failing candidate conceded, called and congratulated the winner of the election, and made plans – for the good of the nation. Power alternated between parties, and legislatures were not necessarily of the same party.

And it will be months of this wrangling, while we hold our breath and the departing administration tries to lock in its failures or perceived gains, instead of moving on.

The lockdown at our little CCRC is a rollercoaster

We have lost and gained and lost again:

  • the outdoor pool
  • the indoor pool
  • the gym
  • meetings of a certain size
  • dining in the dining room with friends
  • use of public rooms, the arts room, and the various lounges
  • singing

and every other resident activity that makes living in this kind of retirement community a pleasure.

Some have returned via TV or zoom; others will have to wait.

And people still have not mastered the simple requirement of wearing a mask that covers NOSE AND MOUTH, ALL the time, and not handling things like the microphone.

We have had relatively few cases – but we have had some, and we go in fear that something will change or get worse.

My personal life is a rollercoaster

Some of it is probably stress, and continued stress, and never really being able to relax from stress.

My pain meds – which I always used to toss down the hatch with some water without thinking much about it – have been giving me major trouble. I think it’s finally become impossible for me to take them on an empty stomach (I would often remember to take the night ones right before bed).

With all the time I have, I can’t count on myself to be functional, and it seems to take huge amounts of attention to find myself with a couple of hours during which I can focus. I hope that gets better.

But we’re heading into WINTER, and I know I am highly affected by the shortening of the days. It is worse because I am already a night owl, insomnia seems to be part of the package, and, if I go to bed at 6am, and sleep until 11 or 12, and then need an afternoon nap or two, I have precious few hours exposed to daylight.

I should be arranging for a couple of surgeries, one relatively minor (but nothing is minor when you’re a slow healer), one significant – and I don’t want to go anywhere near a hospital right now.

There is some POSSIBILITY that research into post-covid long-haulers MIGHT deliver some results for those of us with ME/CFS – but nothing much has appeared yet, and it’s a long-odds hope. More likely: the new sick people with symptoms like mine will overwhelm the available medical systems – which have nothing to offer them because they’ve never developed it for people like me.

All that is hard to manage on a day to day basis

And I can’t plan, and I can’t count on myself, and I can’t see my kids, and I can’t help anyone.

But I am managing to write a few words when I’m not oscillating like a tuning fork.

And after 31 years, I at least have the ability to know that if it’s a while yet, I’ll survive, and not go completely off the rails because of ‘pandemic fatigue.’

And that is why I haven’t blogged much.

I’ll get there. We’ll all get there, those of us who survive, but it’s a rollercoaster.



11 thoughts on “Nothing stays resolved long enough to write

  1. Janna G. Noelle

    Take care of yourself, Alicia. This is going to be a long haul with lots more gaining and losing and re-opening and re-closing yet to come. Do whatever you can and have to do to be safe and healthy, both physically and mentally.


    1. Alicia Butcher Ehrhardt Post author

      You, too – I have 31+ years experience with being sidelined, and I’m still struggling.

      I can’t imagine what it’s like for the many people who’ve had almost a year of it, with it getting worse instead of better!

      Knowing that if the complete world had shut down for about 4 weeks, we wouldn’t have had to do this by now.

      The virus needs live hosts – sharing is required for it to spread.

      The lessons of the 1918 flu have been forgotten, so we have to do it all over again.

      And, as the world gets more complex, more and more people just can’t cope with it, and need a guru – and have been choosing very bad gurus.

      Please don’t let up on maximum precautions! The vaccine is around the corner.


  2. acflory

    I fear for all my American friends, but most especially the ones who are most vulnerable to this virus and a political system that has gone insane. But there is hope. Not much of a hope at this moment in time, but at least Biden et al /want/ to save lives. And there are a couple of vaccines on the horizon.

    And you’re not alone. Victoria has had 21 ‘double donut’ days [zero new cases, zero deaths] so our incarceration is slowly easing. That makes me both happy and concerned as the Offspring and I remain in self-imposed isolation regardless of what’s happening ‘outside’. For us, nothing has changed except that I felt ‘safe enough’ to call in the visiting vet to have a look at the dog – outside consultation with mask, but still, I could hardly wait for the vet to leave. I think that fear will remain until a vaccine finally allows us ‘out’.

    It’s going to be a shitty xmas, but there is hope for next year and the year after. Hang in there!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Alicia Butcher Ehrhardt Post author

      It’s not a bad Christmas if you take care of yourselves, and it is VERY intelligent to wait until all the public health folk certify that enough people are vaccinated. It feels like forever to many people, but I’ve been out of the main stream of life for 31+ years, and you can learn to deal with it most of the time.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. acflory

        31 years? Ouch.

        We will miss out family get togethers over xmas, but there are a lot of autoimmune problems in the greater family so I hope everyone remains sensible.

        This /is/ temporary, and at least we have the internet. I really feel for those who are shut in both physically and mentally through lack of access to or the skills to use, our digital escape route.


  3. marianallen

    My late best friend, Jane, had SAD. It’s certainly no picnic, especially on top of everything else you deal with. I’m certainly glad to hear you’re getting a little writing done. I made an attempt, but I didn’t even get a short story finished before I ran out of steam. I’ll take another run at it, probably before too very long. Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Alicia Butcher Ehrhardt Post author

      Acknowledging the problem is the first step.

      I can still remember the years when I’d discover I was suffering from seasonal affective disorder (SAD) only after my dad’s birthday (Dec. 21) when the days would start getting longer! Then I felt irritated at myself for not noticing.

      Now, I’m ready, I expect it, and it is something I can fight against consciously.


      Liked by 1 person


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