WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?
I need a win.
After much reflection, some of it in writing, other of it in the middle of the night, I have realized that the win, to be mine, has to come from me.
A real win is one you create yourself, the hard way, with blood, sweat, and tears. Since you EARNED it, you OWN it.
Since you created it, it can’t be taken from you (do remember your backups off site, though!).
Someone buying Pride’s Children PURGATORY – in paperback! – is a win, as is someone purchasing the ebook, or taking it out at Kindle Unlimited, especially when I haven’t done any marketing in ages. But it’s not something I have control over.
I had a recent win against Covid
As soon as the CDC said immunocompromised people would be on the short list for the early boosters, I asked my doctor AND my facility about it – to no avail. They said, “When we get it, we’ll let you know.”
But I started seeing other people with my same illnesses posting on FB about having already received the booster shot.
Regardless of how (I wouldn’t lie to get one, but don’t even know if others did, though there have been newspaper reports of lying), the key fact was availability.
So I nagged the doctor’s office, reminded them of my immune status, and they made it available. Then I arranged Medvan transportation, went and got the thing, suffered through the side effects (second day was quite flu-like, and I had more brain fog than I anticipated for the days after that), and, in another week or so, will feel I have done as much as possible to protect myself. And did NOT take that dose from someone getting their first vaccine.
I finished a tricky chapter in Pride’s Children NETHERWORLD.
As I get toward the explosive end of NETHERWORLD, it is getting even more important to get it exactly right, because even less time separates the end of 2 from the beginning of 3 than separated the end of 1 from the beginning of 2, and every story-second counts.
Sending Chapter 35 off to my beta reader was a key step: it is the 3/4 mark in several ways, and I have been forced to make the tiny detailed decisions that make the difference NOW, and not in some writing future – ‘when I get to it.’
It’s getting harder and harder physically and mentally
I acknowledge that, and move on.
Restarting after the brain fog is always tricky, because I have to assume I’m past it before I’m sure I’m past it, and restarting is part of the process of getting past it. What I mean is that it takes a huge amount of psychic energy to restart, sort of like the difference between static and dynamic friction (starting to move a piece of furniture across carpeting is much harder than keeping it going once you start (so don’t stop!)).
Apply that pressure too early, and all it does is extend the downtime.
Wait too long, and situational depression sets in.
And there is always something else that need my limited attention ability – and seems more important just this minute.
I live with this, write with this, and have been at it for a very long time.
There are rumors on the horizon of research for long-covid that might explain another post-viral syndrome, ME/CFS’s problems, and it is possible that even after 31 years it might be helpful. Rumors – but this one has some interesting science behind it. We’ll see.
But, as the husband reminds me, even if it works it will be years before it is available, and I can’t let any of that time go to waste.
So I face the fact that there’s been a break, and get back to work.
Yesterday I took the first step:
I re-read what I have put together, in these brain-fogged days, by following process and trusting it will work as it has every time before – eventually.
And even though there’s one tiny part in the middle of the scene where a decision has to be made about an order of events, the rest is written.
And the end made me cry (actual written steps in said process: “DIG DEEPER – CRY” and “BECOME THE CHARACTER – WRITE WITH THE EMOTIONS RAW.”)
The character needs it, but I am the one with the whip, forcing change. It hurts.
Being present in the writing – mining my own experience: “HERE AND NOW; BEING PRESENT!”
I may work in imaginary situations, but if they don’t get treated as real, with me there, documenting as it happens, it never converts into something good.
From my Journal: “… is nice – but she needs extraordinary, and open to a degree she won’t be able to demand from him.” It is either there in someone, or it isn’t.
Voltaire said ‘the best is the enemy of the great.’
Many people think perfectionism keeps you from getting something finished and out the door and good enough.
But in writing something unique, it matters. Not that you become a perfectionist, and never get anything done, but that you not let ‘good’ or ‘good enough’ or even ‘good enough for government work’ keep you from achieving your own standards.
Because I hope my readers are the people who have those same standards.
If you are, you will know that about yourself.
THAT’s where the wins come from.
So back to the drawing board, salt mines, design board
While I still can.
Because if it’s meh, it costs me way too much to be worth it.
Chapter 36 is well started, and I am imbuing it with the frustration of writing in the middle of the challenging circumstances that are a pandemic which no one expected would last this long.
And a lot of the pain.
If you look for it, something will pull you back to the task.
Can you relate?
What do you expect from your writers?